As many of you know, I completed my Masters degree in Counseling at University of North Texas in May.  Whew.  I almost got tired again just thinking about it.  Over the 4.5 years it took me to get through that outstanding (#12 in the nation and #1 in Texas) program, I had countless aha! moments.  One of the great aspects of the UNT program (and to some degree, I think all accredited counseling programs are required to present such opportunities) is that it is required of every counselor-in-training to be a “client,” both as an individual and as part of a group.  The intention is at least two-fold:  to make sure that you know what it feels like to be in the client’s chair and to help you work out any personal issues that might present themselves as an obstacle to your ability to work as an effective counselor.

I, of course, being the self-disclosing queen of the world, loved those experiences.  I believe in the process of “talk therapy,” and I believe that it certainly can be used by God as a tool to foster true spiritual growth.  Does God need it?  Heck, no!  He can do anything, anytime, anywhere, and he doesn’t need any of my techniques or jargon or therapeutic silence to accomplish anything.  But He might want to use me that way.

So, what’s the title of this blog got to do with any of that?  It’s to do with one of the greatest aha! moments that I had on the journey.  And thankfully, I registered for that Family Therapy class this spring, even though it was not required of me and I certainly might have used those 3-6 hours a week that I spent in and preparing for class some other way.  But I am so thankful that I was a part of it.  My professor was a really interesting fellow, and he brought years of diverse experience to the table — he shared fairly openly about his own experiences as a husband, son, brother, and father; about his experience marrying a woman of another race who was 7 years younger than he; about his experiences as a high school counselor and as a pastoral counselor who primarily works with pre-marital couples and families.  It was a really meaningful experience for me as a student.

Oh, yeah, the headline.  Report and command.  Nothing to do with the military.

So, I’m doing my weekly (voluminous) reading one time, and I read the following:  “Every communication has both a report and a command aspect.”  Huh?  “Every communication has both a report and a command aspect.”

Think about it.

“I’m hungry.”

Report:  I’m hungry.  Command:  Fix me something to eat.

“My back hurts.”

Report:  My back hurts.  Command:  Rub it.

“Geez, I wish I didn’t have to cook dinner tonight.”

Report:  I don’t want to cook.  Command:  Take me out to dinner or cook dinner for me.

Pay attention.  You do it.  I do it.  It’s just an inherent part of communication.  The part that trips us all up is that there is a third aspect, I think:  The Expectation.  What expectation?  The expectation that the person or persons to whom you are communicating understand and hear the whole dang thing.  First of all, are they paying attention in the first place?  Did they even hear what you said?  If they heard it, did they listen?  (This is one of those awesome distinctions in language that I’m not sure I fully understood until learning Spanish:  hearing and listening are two distinct verbs.)

Two.  Distinct.  Verbs.

The verb oír means that you perceive a sound through the ear, whereas escuchar means to pay attention to what those sounds mean.  Hearing (oír) is an involuntary action, but listening (escuchar) implies a deliberate willingness to understand.

That’s big stuff.  One of the first times I really understood this truth was when I was working as a translator for a Healthy Marriage project that Region VII Head Start was doing with parents of Head Start students across the region.  It was a great idea, and I believe that most or all who participated would call it a success.  Parent applicants were chosen to participate in 4 sessions throughout the school year where they would come together with facilitators for a weekend of training on various topics, including communication.  One of the exercises they had to do was sit knee-to-knee in chairs and practice communicating and active listening.  I was there to help with Spanish speaking parents, and the scenario with my couple was this:  she was to state a concern that she had, and all he was allowed to do was restate for her what he had heard her say.  Here’s how it shook out:

She:  I’m concerned that when I ask you for money to buy something our kids need for school that you tell me we don’t have any, and that afternoon, you come home with a suitcase of beer.

He:  You don’t like it that I drink beer.

I swear to goodness, that’s exactly what happened.  It took at least 7 attempts and my asking him if I could sit in his chair to model how to restate exactly what she was trying to tell him for him to finally truly understand how much spin he was putting on what she was saying was her genuine concern.

Now, all of that to say this:  I have learned over the years that I thought I was a good communicator, and perhaps I am in certain situations, but I have also learned that if you are close enough to people, you develop your own language, and the you begin to take the subtleties and the nuances among you for granted.  And that is why you miss your friends when they are not there.  Or your sisters.  Or your brothers.  It’s too much work with other people, isn’t it?  But it certainly could prove to be worth it to learn that new language with new people, couldn’t it?

Perhaps it is my age and its resulting impatience that makes putting forth that effort feel a bit overwhelming.  Perhaps it’s my pride.  “Shouldn’t they just automatically get me?”

What do YOU think?  I’d love to hear from you, AND I think it would be fun for you guys to start a running commentary on any and all “communications” that come to mind, along with their report and command aspects.  Let’s see what we can come up with!  Go!